Day Seven, In Which I Didn't Want To

 I began this morning with an incredibly strong sense of I Don't Want To, and this included designing an outfit around my one head cover and wearing said head cover.

I allowed myself the space to be thoroughly late, hoping that my mood and bodily sensations would correct themselves in the additional three hours of morning but I have to confess: nothing seemed to really correct itself.

I didn't want to be up and about. I didn't want to cover my hair. Or go to work or go to class or go to the Bill Roll lecture. The only thing I allowed myself (besides three additional hours of morning which, let's be real, was just as much for everyone who would have to interact with me today as it was for me) was to skip out on the lecture.- Which I imagine I would have enjoyed going to.

So now that my experience with head covering as a spiritual expression and an activation switch of sorts seems pretty fifty-fifty (ironic since this is day seven and therefore could not really be divided in that way)... I find myself contemplating this particular thing as a contemplative practice.

I have to choose it. Choosing it requires (at least for me) that I consider the meaning behind the practice. Choosing requires action on my part. It is putting it on, leaving it on, and at least as long as I remain aware of it being on... I am aware of my Connectivity.

But it is no longer a novelty, and I am no longer fully aware of it all day, every day. I experience resentment toward my choice to embrace Connectivity. But... I also still experience a great deal of joy throughout the day, not in spite of but because of this reminder of who I am... and who They are.

Once, my Rabbi posed a question to his students (of which I was one)... We begin "Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech Ha'Olam..."

Blessed are you, Lord our G-d, King of the Universe...

Why do we say this? Are we reminding ourselves who He is? Or are we reminding Him of us? 

As we, as my Tribe, my mishpacha... wait another day... and another... 

479 days...

I hear so many people around me reaching for Hashem. And I am reminded how blessed I am to choose to Connect. I am blessed to have Connection. And I am blessed to do so from the safety of my own little world where the people I know and love are safe and healthy and happy.

I get to be resentful of choosing and sometimes even of being Chosen. How utterly spoiled is that?

Tomorrow, 480... one day away from four more of my Tribe coming home... but also one more day that we do not know the fate of many, including two precious red headed babies. Tomorrow, when I get up, when I think I want to be resentful or choosing or being Chosen... I am going to begin using that moment to remember what I am choosing and to be glad that we are Chosen.

Baruch atah Adonai, Elohainu melech haolam, matir asurim.

Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the Universe, who frees the captive.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day One, In Which We Begin with a Beret

Image
My beret came yesterday, and while I was excited, I must admit to feeling rather... out of sorts with the idea of covering this morning. I told myself that it was a hat, that no one would notice, and I feel like that was a correct assumption: that no one would have noticed if I had not spoken openly about why it was on my head. But I suppose it's no different than choosing to wear my star of David, posting mezuzim on my doors, carrying a pocket siddur, or saying Baruch Hashem. I'm Jewish, and if anyone questions anything I do Jewishly, I have always freely and proudly explained myself to them.  A conversation with Becca, the HR lady at work, ended up with her showing me pictures of her (other) Jewish friend, who also chooses to cover in various ways. She said the beret looked pretty. A conversation with Brandy, a classmate of mine, brought the opportunity to share aspects of my culture with someone who had perhaps known very little of our ways.  I don't think I was really p...
Read more

Day Eighteen, In Which Nothing Goes To Plan

Image
 Today, we were supposed to see friends. It didn't work out and I settled myself into a day at home.  It should be easier than it is. I love being at home and doing home-things. But I'm also entirely contrary so any day of the week that I'm meant to be at school or work, I resent it and I want to stay home... And the days that I'm allowed to stay at home, I end up galivanting all over the countryside on weird adventures. I need my at home time. I need to feel in charge of my life and my schedule. It doesn't matter how much I love my job or my classes, being told when I need to do something or where just rubs me wrong. But today... was an at home day. I watered all of my plants and moved some from their cups of water into the soil, covering up their newly formed roots. I fed the fish. I did laundry and made the grocery order. I prepped fruits and veggies and fed the scraps to the hens. I played ball with my dogs. And because I was at home, amongst my own people, I di...
Read more

Day Fourteen, In Which We Acknowledge Time

Image
Two weeks of covering my hair.- Woohoo! I wanted to take a moment to compare the act of covering my hair to the act of meditation. Both are done thoughtfully. Both require a certain amount of awareness for a certain amount of time. (Similar to ceasing to pay attention to your breath when the moment is through, I cease to pay attention to my hair being covered.) And both pop up in your mind throughout the day. - How it went, the feeling of it, the thoughts you chose to focus on or let go of. The feeling of Connectivity both with yourself and What Is. Each time I enter a new space or experience with my hair covered, I become aware of myself once more. Today, we had good weather, and I opted to take my dog for a walk in the neighborhood. Long skirt, hair covered, Star of David flashing in the sunlight, psychotic golden retriever (mostly) at my side.  I passed two women. Normally, they nod to me when I drive past them. - I only walk when the weather is warm. They crossed to the other s...
Read more