Threads of the Void

 For your  last journal entry  answer the following in a page or more single-spaced reflection. Though you may have additional things to say, be sure to cover the following in your summary: • Summarize your project I covered my head, in the tradition of married Jewish women, for thirty days to see how it changed my attitude, my behaviors, my connection to myself, and my connection to G-d. Success would be determined by participating in the contemplative action and by noting positive changes or other changes within my life. Failure would be determined by not participating in the action and/or a failure to journal any changes.   • Did you meet your goals? Because I can say that I did cover my hair for approximately 28 of the 30 days (and I did journal about the act of not covering those days) and because I did notice a change in myself, I would consider this a success. I don’t remember exactly what I wrote in the first questions but I know now that I can and ...

 Today is the last day of my experiment... But the first day of the rest of my life? Or at least, that's how it feels. Today, we are waiting to hear for positive physical identification of the bodies returned to Israel... Are these the Bibas children? Today, I find myself making Big Choices for my daughter who has recently returned to residential care... I don't feel like that was the right choice so what is? I've begun the process of removing her from the facility. Today, I find myself questioning my choices for myself... Where do I want to be? How do I get there? I went into a meeting yesterday feeling like I could do anything and left... feeling like I should be more rational. I may be making some difficult, uncomfortable, and even scary choices in the next weeks. And today...  My husband came home and pulled out his garment bags and laid his good clothes on the bed, asking me to have them dry cleaned so he can wear them to shul.  My husband is willingly going to shul ...

 Only semi-related to our topic... Today, Israel confirmed that the bodies of the Bibas children and their mother were supposed to be returned to us tomorrow. We have long speculated about their fate, praying for the best but continuing to fear for them. The community is in an uproar. People are grief-stricken and others seem to still hold out hope that Hamas is just... lying again. I find myself somewhere in the middle tonight. I spent a great deal of time in tears today (my birthday, btw) and then I saw Ofri's post, asking us to keep davening, to keep hoping, til it was more than words. Til the boys are... or are not... home tomorrow. Til there is tangible evidence, we should not be heartbroken. But still, somehow I am. Since October 7th, 2023... I feel like we have all been holding our breath. We have tried to hold it all together as a community. But it feels like, if these boys are dead, we will have no choice but to embrace the sense of fragility that has threatened us all the...

 Last night at dinner, I announced that Thursday (Day Thirty) would be my last day of covering my head and my husband... was taken aback by this. "Why?" he asked. Because I don't have to, I thought. Because I don't want to.  But then it left me feeling a little off. Do I not have to? Do I not want to? Or is this just me putting up the usual fight against the things I'm "supposed to do?"  I sat with that throughout the evening and into today and then, at lunch, I found myself picking out and ordering 5 more hats/covers in different colors and styles. -And I felt good about it. I don't know where this journey is going or where it needs to go but I'm trying to be here for it, as the kids say. Maybe they'll come and I won't use them. Maybe I'll cover periodically. Or maybe this is now a part of my journey as a Jewish woman.

 I've noticed that as this journal progresses, I have less to say about the act of covering. Why is that? I think it's become a part of me, at least for now. If I had chosen to do yoga every day for a month, would I still have something new to say about it after a month? I honestly don't think so. And I wonder if my peers will have the same experience: less and less to say about the thing as it becomes integrated into their lives. So rather, I will talk about life as it happened during my head being covered. I often do not end my day feeling very positive but today, I have managed to have and hold onto some extremely positive experiences. Today... No one talked to me at work. This makes for great concentration. My son met up with me and presented me with a chicken sandwich. People in my first class interacted with me and complimented me. - I'm usually left to my own devices as one of the Quiet People. The first class of the day was great: but... it always is. (Still wor...

 Today, I am not leaving the house. Or at least, that's the idea. Dinner is already cooking. The house is tidy-ish. Tidy enough. My focus is on resting for the coming week and finishing out some assignments. Therefore, at least until my brother's friends come for DnD, I am not covering my hair. And I'm still thinking how I feel about covering my hair around them. - I'm still thinking about when this exploration ends next week, whether I will choose to continue covering my hair or if I want to leave it as an option. Because as previously discussed: it is a choice. And I don't really think it's about G-d at this point but more of a cultural choice. We have centuries of argument (Talmud) about how things should be done and why but very little that feels... direct from G-d... to me. I think there are communities in which I should and that it matters and I think if I want to feel particularly connected to my tribe, it's a good way to process that. But do I think ...

 It sounds overly dramatic, the title for today. But also fitting. Today, we went birthday shopping. (Isabel's was the 4th and mine is the 19th.) I selected a dress, cotton, patchwork, hooded, bell-sleeved, that feels like one of the most me-like dresses I've bought in a long time. I asked Izzy if she would be seen with me in it and she shied away from the question. The rest of the family seemed... a little hesitant as well. I almost put it back. But I didn't. And when I got home, I put it on. Just in time for my grocery order to be delivered. And as I was standing there in this lovely, light, flowy thing, cutting up and storing my produce, grinding my eggshells for the garden, frosting a cake I had made, prepping dinner for that night... I felt alive. I felt like myself in a way I infrequently do. And I made a note: this. I need more of this. Truckloads more. I'm tired of feeling in limbo. I'm tired of living to meet the expectations of others. I'm tired of hat...

 When I was a kid, Fridays were often pizza nights. My grandparents fought me on this to some degree, but it seemed like it was a common occurrence in the homes of my friends so once or twice a month, I could convince them to order in. It was more relaxed than we were used to. No time was spent cooking and little on the cleanup. My grandmother wasn't interested in leftover pizza but would heat it up for my granddad and me the next day.  When my kids were small, we couldn't really afford to order in like that and I found that I often preferred to make a meal for them anyhow. The excitement of ordering in had left me and been replaced by a sense of satisfaction when I made food myself. But I've married a man who likes pizza. Who likes ordering in. And I can usually appreciate the reprieve. Sometimes I want to fight him though, especially on a Friday. - A Shabbos dinner should not be pizza, I think to myself. But then I remember how many Shabbos Erevs were spent driving from m...

 Thursdays are an easier day for me because there is only work, no class. As spoken about previously, I crave a sense of freedom, and leaving campus at noon lends itself to that. Knowing that when I step out of the building, rain or shine, I am homeward-bound is incredible. - Especially because this semester, Thursdays are the only day in which I am entirely alone at home for a few hours. My shoes are off before I've left the parking lot. My music is up. My windows are probably down, regardless of the weather. Lately, I have missed the feeling of the wind in my hair but the feeling of it being contained also acts to ground me as I drive. I am a Jewish woman and that thought can be heavy on my shoulders from time to time. Do I want to be contained? Should I need to be contained? Isn't that what I've allowed to happen to myself for the last decade and a half? Containment of my larger, authentic self for the sake of someone else? Does it matter if that someone else is G-d? Doe...

 I have tried to stay (mostly) on topic with my posts about this mind-body activity of covering my head, but today, I'm thinking about what is or is not on topic, period. Everything is interconnected. Your mind, your body, and the experiences that are filtered through that lens. So, when I'm supposed to be talking about covering my head as a mind-body act of contemplation, so many things do connect to it. Wednesday, I went to the doctor, and they told me that my bloodwork appeared fine. They don't know what's wrong with me. Is anything wrong with me? Am I just getting older and my body is showing signs of the wear and tear of four decades of living? How far am I willing to pursue the answers, if there are any answers to find when we reach the "end?" I found myself feeling incredibly out of sorts when I went back to my car after my appointment. Out of sorts and out of control. - And I've felt out of control for a while now. It's uncomfortable and there ...

 Because of the previously discussed issues with my blood sugar, I spent yesterday at home. I caught up on some reading, did a little bit of work on some other school-related items, but mostly just chilled on the bed with the dogs. Checking my blood sugar so many times has left my fingers a little achy and I'm not noticing any real trends besides juice spiked me really hard yesterday and that I start to feel lousy at about 80.  I did, however, give myself the space to explore my feelings about aging and health and my body. Today, they're going to tell me the results of my blood work and my brain is always preparing itself for the day that a doctor tells me, "You have X time left."  The first time I thought I would die, I was 7. They thought I was having gran mal seizures. They thought I might have a brain tumor. They thought something might be desperately wrong with me. And at seven years old, I tried to become okay with the idea that I might die. As it happens, it wa...

 Starting last Friday, I noticed I was having a very real issue with my blood sugar dropping. Being hypoglycemic since childhood, I was able to recognize the signs and keep myself upright and relatively safe. But as it continued to plague me into yesterday (Day Twenty) morning, I realized I probably needed help with this issue. So yesterday morning, while I sat in my car eating the snack that my son brought to me, I called health services at our university and made an appointment. I figured it would be a quick thing, just pop in and back out again. I was not anticipating such deep concern over my 82 BGL after 90-120 minutes post lunch. The finger prick that I anticipated turned into the collection of vials which I had hoped to forego which led into my first ever EKG because my heart can become fluttery when my blood sugar is low. I felt okay walking into the building but by the time I realized they were planning to look at my white blood cell count and other things, I began to feel...

Today I had to bring clothes for my child who is entering residential psychiatric care. - I did their laundry, packed their bag, and had a mostly uneventful trip to Midtown Atlanta. But when I was getting dressed this morning, I felt overwhelming self-conscious of myself. I always dress a certain way for these kinds of meetings and that way does not include cool prints or anything remotely religious outside of my Magen David necklace.  Did I dare show up in a long skirt, comfy shoes, and my hair covered? What would that do to how these people responded to me? And how would their opinion of me affect my child's experiences at the facility?  I laid in bed for over an hour, mentally going over my clothing options, before finally settling on a navy (above the knee) skirt, mauve tshirt, and feminine cotton button down to be worn open. - Oh, and my Sperries. - No hair cover. Light, fresh makeup. The Preppy Mom look that has been my staple for these kinds of things for years now. Res...

 Today, we were supposed to see friends. It didn't work out and I settled myself into a day at home.  It should be easier than it is. I love being at home and doing home-things. But I'm also entirely contrary so any day of the week that I'm meant to be at school or work, I resent it and I want to stay home... And the days that I'm allowed to stay at home, I end up galivanting all over the countryside on weird adventures. I need my at home time. I need to feel in charge of my life and my schedule. It doesn't matter how much I love my job or my classes, being told when I need to do something or where just rubs me wrong. But today... was an at home day. I watered all of my plants and moved some from their cups of water into the soil, covering up their newly formed roots. I fed the fish. I did laundry and made the grocery order. I prepped fruits and veggies and fed the scraps to the hens. I played ball with my dogs. And because I was at home, amongst my own people, I di...

 I found myself shopping for new/different hair covers and then I found myself thinking... Is this me? Is this who I am? Do I want to continue doing this past the thirty days? Then I considered a previous conversation I had with myself on this blog about whether it had to be all or nothing. Do I feel the need to cover every day? Are there places or times in which I feel like covering feels good or safe or right versus others where I might take into greater consideration a feeling of assimilation? Or a different kind of freedom? Would it feel stifling to be in a garden somewhere without my hair in the sun and the wind? Covering is meant to make me feel closer to the Divine but is there not a sense of communing with the Divine when the wind and sun are enveloping you?  I think I've always had a certain Pagan air to my relationship to G-d though, from earliest childhood. What are the ideas of men and what are the ways I feel naturally connected to Hashem? I've held off on buying ...

 How do you know how you feel about something if you don't do the exact opposite from time to time? After fifteen days of consistently covering my hair, even remembering to as I stood on the porch to lock the house up... I decided to try going out without covering. Just a quick run to the grocery store. I don't think I was as aware of myself when I first began covering as I was walking through the store with my head bare and my hair flowing. I don't know that I ever really thought about head covering as a form of modesty- What is immodest about your hair? But after spending more than two weeks not needing to care what my hair looked like or was doing, entering the world with my hair free brought my attention back to the state/appearance of that repeatedly whilst out those 20 minutes or so. Maybe I still don't quite think of the act as modesty, but I do think of it as pulling my attention away from silly things (how am I looking) and putting it more toward mindful things...

I've decided that there is a side effect to this exploration of contemplative actions. I want more of my life to feel deliberate. I want more of my life to feel like a chosen action. I want to feel like I have more control over things. When I think about my future, outside of school, I think about a life in which I have more control over where I live and how I live. I dream about a life in which it will feel as though my time belongs to me. Through this exploration, I am becoming comfortable with parts of me that were previously uncomfortable. I am learning that I do not have to try so hard to be accepted. I do not need to fit into a mold to be a part of a community. - Not that I ever really did but I have been so aware of my Otherness (see previous post) that if I could identify a way to feel as though I fit in, I was only too happy to embrace it. Speaking of. And I don't know where I'm pulling this from. A reading? A video? A post on social media? Tiktok? My consumption o...

Two weeks of covering my hair.- Woohoo! I wanted to take a moment to compare the act of covering my hair to the act of meditation. Both are done thoughtfully. Both require a certain amount of awareness for a certain amount of time. (Similar to ceasing to pay attention to your breath when the moment is through, I cease to pay attention to my hair being covered.) And both pop up in your mind throughout the day. - How it went, the feeling of it, the thoughts you chose to focus on or let go of. The feeling of Connectivity both with yourself and What Is. Each time I enter a new space or experience with my hair covered, I become aware of myself once more. Today, we had good weather, and I opted to take my dog for a walk in the neighborhood. Long skirt, hair covered, Star of David flashing in the sunlight, psychotic golden retriever (mostly) at my side.  I passed two women. Normally, they nod to me when I drive past them. - I only walk when the weather is warm. They crossed to the other s...

 You may notice that I am, at this point, playing catch up with my posting fairly regularly.  This is because I may or may not be slowly burning out. There is a lot happening in my life right now and not all of it was invited in. Yesterday's experience in relationship to my chosen contemplative activity (hair covering)... Just wasn't.  When I try to think of moments from yesterday that related to the act of... I've got nothing. I put it on. I kept it on. If anyone noticed initially, I think it's been accepted as part of my body now. But I guess that ties into this being a mind-body experience. My hair cover has become an understood part of how I present to the world, physically. Has it changed how they viewed me spiritually? I'm not sure. A few people who I didn't know (or know well) are now aware of me as a Jew in their space.  Has it changed how I view myself spiritually? I... I think so. It feels like a step beyond wearing my Star of David. It feels like a st...

 The premise of hair covering, at least in part, is modesty. Tzniut. And while I want to say that there are hard and fast rules when it comes to all of this... There really are not. Do you cover it all? Do you use a scarf, a turban, a wig? Who can see your hair? Do you wear long sleeves all the time? Do you make sure every dress comes past the knee? Do you wear thick tights regardless of the weather? Are pants ever okay? How modest are you and does it extend to all people and parts of your life? I was once told that women are like the Torah, covered to protect us and keep us safe and clean. The idea has stayed with me but I think it has taken on its own life at this point. When do I feel as though I need to be covered? When do I feel as though I need to be kept clean? Because obviously, we uncover the Torah in safe places. What and who are my safe places? Home, my family, close friends. When I come in the door, I kick off my shoes, strip off additional layers, put my beret on the k...

 A big push for my understanding of this particular act of contemplation is of the idea of All or Nothing. In terms of mind and body...  If you eat healthy, do you have to meditate? If you meditate, do you have to wear natural fibers? If you wear natural fibers, do you have to be aware of dyes in our food? If you're aware of dyes in our food, do you have to be versed in quantum physics? This, to my mind, seems a little less messy. It clearly isn't all or nothing. I know people who only eat organic, but they also vaccinate their kids, and I know people who will criticize your choice of consuming fluoride but have no concept of what synthetic fibers could be doing to you. - And they're all okay with it! In terms of Jewishness or Judaism, the lines seem much blurrier. If you're Jewish (start at the base), do you have to keep kosher? If you do keep kosher, are you Shabbos shomer? If you are Shabbos shomer, do you dress tzniut? And it goes on and on: have you been to Israel?...

 As you may recall, I promised to go to shul last night, and I did.  It was a reform synagogue and hair covering for women is not widely practiced in that community. I found myself thinking about that a lot during the day. Did I want to cover my hair, or would it feel somehow safer to assimilate and not draw attention to myself? That had been my conversation about all spaces a week and a half ago, but I realized a couple of days ago that I stepped outside without covering, and it immediately felt... strange. Almost unsafe as sensory goes? Is my covering becoming a source of comfort? I met my friend out front, and he didn't comment on my New Look. - But I know that he is more strictly observant than most of the people in the building we were approaching, so maybe it seemed normal to him for a married woman to choose to cover her hair. We went inside and I was aware of myself in a way that I had not anticipated as I watched these women walk around with their hair flowing freely ...

 Another retroactive post. I just haven't had the capacity to sit with this at the end of the day. Thursday is "just" a workday, but this Thursday was also the day I had coffee with a retired professor from my undergraduate studies. I think part of this project -the most important part- is exploring how embracing the spiritual practice of hair covering as a married Jewish woman affects my mind-body connection, but I think another part of it is discussing the places and people with which I experience life as a more-than-before observant Jewish woman because how I identify with myself has more context than simply how I feel about myself or my choices. I'm not sure if that sentence made a lot of sense. Maybe I can loosely relate it to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I cannot pursue self-actualization if my concerns are about my safety or my acceptance. If I am or even perceive myself to be targeted or cast off because of my identity as a Jewish woman, then my focus is n...

The next few posts will be retroactive. You'll understand in a moment.  Nothing is without a relation to something else and that includes this exploration of mine. On Wednesday, I woke up feeling lighter than I had the day before. I was prepared to make it a good day. I got ready for work, put on my beret and my shoes, grabbed my tea and lunch, and headed out the door. Touched the mezuzah and prayed allowed as I reached my car. This would seem unconventional to anyone else, but it felt more like a conversation with Hashem than a solemn act, and I can appreciate that. An hour's drive and an hour more into my workday, the high school where my two youngest children go called me. The resource officer, specifically. My youngest child has had a very large struggle with her mental health for the last 18 months or so, which means... the call was not actually unexpected. I won't go into details here, but I'm beginning to reach a space where her breakdowns make me feel like I als...