Day Twenty-Two, In Which I Explore My Own Power

 I have tried to stay (mostly) on topic with my posts about this mind-body activity of covering my head, but today, I'm thinking about what is or is not on topic, period.

Everything is interconnected. Your mind, your body, and the experiences that are filtered through that lens. So, when I'm supposed to be talking about covering my head as a mind-body act of contemplation, so many things do connect to it.

Wednesday, I went to the doctor, and they told me that my bloodwork appeared fine. They don't know what's wrong with me. Is anything wrong with me? Am I just getting older and my body is showing signs of the wear and tear of four decades of living? How far am I willing to pursue the answers, if there are any answers to find when we reach the "end?"

I found myself feeling incredibly out of sorts when I went back to my car after my appointment. Out of sorts and out of control. - And I've felt out of control for a while now. It's uncomfortable and there are times I find myself just trying to ride the wave and others where I find myself ready to fight anyone if it will establish some feeling of control again. I've talked for months about living more deliberately but that takes more effort than I have some days. - As mentioned previously, however, I feel that the days we fail tell us just as much as the days we succeed.

I didn't go to work on Wednesday, though I was supposed to. I didn't call or email. I sat in my car for an hour, deep in thought about... nothing at all. I wasn't meditating. No concrete thoughts were happening. I just switched off. I'm not getting any younger. I'm running out of time. People will say that I'm not, but we all are. Every single day is one less day we have.

To bring it full circle, covering my hair is an intentional act. It is a deliberate movement. It is a choice that I am currently making every day. But the freedom that exists in it is delicious. I spent years chasing freedom, years more forcing myself into boxes to see what that was like, and now I think I'm ready for freedom again. The freedom to choose to cover my hair or not, to wear skirts or pants, to eat whole foods or processed, to be barefoot in the garden or shod out in the world. More than anything, I crave to have greater freedom with my every day. 



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