Threads of the Void

 I began this morning with an incredibly strong sense of I Don't Want To, and this included designing an outfit around my one head cover and wearing said head cover. I allowed myself the space to be thoroughly late, hoping that my mood and bodily sensations would correct themselves in the additional three hours of morning but I have to confess: nothing seemed to really correct itself. I didn't want to be up and about. I didn't want to cover my hair. Or go to work or go to class or go to the Bill Roll lecture. The only thing I allowed myself (besides three additional hours of morning which, let's be real, was just as much for everyone who would have to interact with me today as it was for me) was to skip out on the lecture.- Which I imagine I would have enjoyed going to. So now that my experience with head covering as a spiritual expression and an activation switch of sorts seems pretty fifty-fifty (ironic since this is day seven and therefore could not really be divided...

 Is this exploration a failure if for two days, I had nothing to report? What constitutes success or failure in this endeavor? I know I discussed it in the first post but I find myself thinking on it more now. I had said that success would be found if I did practice covering for the thirty days and discovered that I either was... or was not... comfortable with doing it regularly. - Because I feel like I've been in limbo on the topic for quite some time now: whether it was for me. Initially, I felt more spiritual and more prone to prayer with this sort of vibration of excitement attached to it. Six days in and it is beginning to feel a little more like part of my identity and less like a novelty. I suspect that is part of the exploration though, a shift in consciousness about the practice itself. A few years ago, I did something similar with nidra yoga for a class (the blog from that is attached to this account if you want to check it out) and I recall how it felt like such a novelt...

 Today has been an at-home sort of day. I've barely left my room, in fact, and therefore... have not covered. That said, I have also been abundantly aware of not covering my hair today.  But I told myself that it wasn't and shouldn't be necessary to do so in the privacy of the house, among the children and the dogs.- Other women don't.  I find myself trying to look at it similarly to the days that I don't meditate. It's okay to take a break from something and experience what the lack feels like because sometimes the absence of something can be just as full of meaning as the presence of it. What did I learn today from not covering my hair? I was aware of it, for one. I was very infrequently aware of the absence of covering before I began. I did not pray today, except over meals, which has been a thing I've been working on separately. I did, however, spend a great deal of my day in introspection and have formulated a plan for the coming months that feels... ac...

 The first thing I want to say about Day Four of Covering My Hair is that it felt good today. Physically good, a little like putting on your favorite sweater, and that was genuinely unanticipated. Something else unanticipated is how exploratory this project actually feels. What is the physical reality of it? The emotional? The cultural? The spiritual? I think I'd like to come back to those questions toward the end of this 30-day journal and try to identify some themes within those ideas. Because it isn't just one of those but all of them each time I cover. Today, I met a friend for lunch. I hadn't seen her socially in about 18 months, and I know this because I'd never met her youngest child before. She is definitely "alt," but I was surprised that she identified me as having become so. It's true that I was wearing all black, but it was more of the Chassidish look of leggings with a black skirt and running shoes, which were a different kind of all-black. Th...

 Friday, I am off of both school and work which is great because it's my day for prepping for Shabbos. Sometimes, this looks like cleaning the house, baking bread, and making a big meal for my family. Sometimes, like today, it looks like catching up on my reading for school, ignoring most of my other responsibilities, and feeding the family DIY tacos before we light the Shabbos candles. Going out of the house had not been in my plans but at about 4pm, as I said here on the bed with my laptop open, my husband asked me if I wanted to go with him to Publix to pick up a few items and I said yes thinking to myself that Publix meant cookies and a new place journal about tonight. (Sadly, they were out of black and whites on the Entenmann's stand, but we did bring home chocolate chippies from the bakery.) Now is the point that I interject that I have not been covering my hair each day until I leave the house. It is only day three, but the act of covering my hair seems to work like an ...

 Much like yesterday, I had some misgivings in the morning about the choice to cover. Was I happy with the beret? Should I order more colors? I stood in front of the mirror with a scarf and played with it for a moment and thought of my children with their play silks when they were younger, wrapped up in makeshift turbans. I dropped the scarf over the hook in the hallway and chose the beret after all. I chose to listen to the Barry Sisters (Especially Vyoch Tyoch Tyoch) on the way to work this morning, and I found myself thinking heavily about Mrs. Maisel (a TV show for those not in the loop) and how Jews came to be so... assimilated. Is it to be invisible to those who might hate or hurt us? When I consider hair covering, tzniut in general, I feel like (because I am outside of my community) it draws attention to me. Funny how a thing like modesty can draw more attention rather than less. The HR lady complimented me again on the beret. Because it's the same one as yesterday (which sh...

My beret came yesterday, and while I was excited, I must admit to feeling rather... out of sorts with the idea of covering this morning. I told myself that it was a hat, that no one would notice, and I feel like that was a correct assumption: that no one would have noticed if I had not spoken openly about why it was on my head. But I suppose it's no different than choosing to wear my star of David, posting mezuzim on my doors, carrying a pocket siddur, or saying Baruch Hashem. I'm Jewish, and if anyone questions anything I do Jewishly, I have always freely and proudly explained myself to them.  A conversation with Becca, the HR lady at work, ended up with her showing me pictures of her (other) Jewish friend, who also chooses to cover in various ways. She said the beret looked pretty. A conversation with Brandy, a classmate of mine, brought the opportunity to share aspects of my culture with someone who had perhaps known very little of our ways.  I don't think I was really p...

  My First Entry 14 January 2025 As your first journal entry and before you actually start the activity, respond to the following questions: •Describe your project in detail. (What will you be doing, how often, with whom, what does it actually involve? etc.) I intend to cover my head/hair every day for at least one month. I do not feel the need to do so within my own home but when I am leaving my home, I will choose an item that covers my head and most or all of my hair. •How will you know if you achieved your goals? That is, is there some metric, qualitative (e.g., your mood, etc.) or quantitative (e.g., lost weight, etc.), that you can identity as target and outcome.  I will know that I have achieved my goal if I find myself comfortable leaving the house with my hair covered. I will have been *very* successful if I find that I now prefer that my hair be covered. • Why are you doing this? What’s this about for you?  I am Jewish but have not always been tzniut or frum, b...