Day Two, In Which I Am Tired

 Much like yesterday, I had some misgivings in the morning about the choice to cover. Was I happy with the beret? Should I order more colors? I stood in front of the mirror with a scarf and played with it for a moment and thought of my children with their play silks when they were younger, wrapped up in makeshift turbans. I dropped the scarf over the hook in the hallway and chose the beret after all.

I chose to listen to the Barry Sisters (Especially Vyoch Tyoch Tyoch) on the way to work this morning, and I found myself thinking heavily about Mrs. Maisel (a TV show for those not in the loop) and how Jews came to be so... assimilated. Is it to be invisible to those who might hate or hurt us? When I consider hair covering, tzniut in general, I feel like (because I am outside of my community) it draws attention to me. Funny how a thing like modesty can draw more attention rather than less.

The HR lady complimented me again on the beret. Because it's the same one as yesterday (which she knows), I feel as though she wants to make sure I feel supported in this endeavor. No one else at work has commented on it. In fact, no one has commented unless I speak on it, and that seems off to me because how can they not notice something when that something makes me feel so different and so self-aware?

When I'm covering, I feel aware of myself and my place in this world, not just as a mother or a human but as a representative part of the Jewish tribe. I feel more aware of what I should be doing in terms of prayer, how I speak, how I carry myself, where I go, and what I do. I did not remember to say Modeh Ani when I opened my eyes this morning. I did not remember to use my washing cup even though it is there for me to use. But when I covered my hair as I prepared to leave the house, I found myself compelled to stand in the foyer with my hand over my eyes and the Shema on my lips. I followed it with Oseh Shalom, and I did not forget to kiss the mezuzah as I left the house, bag on my shoulder and tea in hand. 

I find that I curse less, if at all, and I feel more aware of my emotions. - Especially my negative ones. In short, I feel like a completely different person, but no one has noticed that I'm covering.

Unlike yesterday, I did remove the cover in the car. It was hours later in the day, and baby curls had begun to escape to annoy me. But removing it "early" left a taste of guilt in my mouth. Because it wasn't "what I was supposed to do," or because I "had failed," or because "strangers can now see my hair"? I really don't have the energy tonight to come to an answer, just that removing the covering before I had crossed my own threshold felt wrong.

Tomorrow, I am at home. No work or school. But I expect I'll probably go to the thrift store, maybe to get some groceries or visit a friend. - All new environments for covering, which means, I suspect, new feelings about doing so.