Threads of the Void

 Today is the last day of my experiment... But the first day of the rest of my life? Or at least, that's how it feels. Today, we are waiting to hear for positive physical identification of the bodies returned to Israel... Are these the Bibas children? Today, I find myself making Big Choices for my daughter who has recently returned to residential care... I don't feel like that was the right choice so what is? I've begun the process of removing her from the facility. Today, I find myself questioning my choices for myself... Where do I want to be? How do I get there? I went into a meeting yesterday feeling like I could do anything and left... feeling like I should be more rational. I may be making some difficult, uncomfortable, and even scary choices in the next weeks. And today...  My husband came home and pulled out his garment bags and laid his good clothes on the bed, asking me to have them dry cleaned so he can wear them to shul.  My husband is willingly going to shul ...

 Only semi-related to our topic... Today, Israel confirmed that the bodies of the Bibas children and their mother were supposed to be returned to us tomorrow. We have long speculated about their fate, praying for the best but continuing to fear for them. The community is in an uproar. People are grief-stricken and others seem to still hold out hope that Hamas is just... lying again. I find myself somewhere in the middle tonight. I spent a great deal of time in tears today (my birthday, btw) and then I saw Ofri's post, asking us to keep davening, to keep hoping, til it was more than words. Til the boys are... or are not... home tomorrow. Til there is tangible evidence, we should not be heartbroken. But still, somehow I am. Since October 7th, 2023... I feel like we have all been holding our breath. We have tried to hold it all together as a community. But it feels like, if these boys are dead, we will have no choice but to embrace the sense of fragility that has threatened us all the...

 Last night at dinner, I announced that Thursday (Day Thirty) would be my last day of covering my head and my husband... was taken aback by this. "Why?" he asked. Because I don't have to, I thought. Because I don't want to.  But then it left me feeling a little off. Do I not have to? Do I not want to? Or is this just me putting up the usual fight against the things I'm "supposed to do?"  I sat with that throughout the evening and into today and then, at lunch, I found myself picking out and ordering 5 more hats/covers in different colors and styles. -And I felt good about it. I don't know where this journey is going or where it needs to go but I'm trying to be here for it, as the kids say. Maybe they'll come and I won't use them. Maybe I'll cover periodically. Or maybe this is now a part of my journey as a Jewish woman.

 I've noticed that as this journal progresses, I have less to say about the act of covering. Why is that? I think it's become a part of me, at least for now. If I had chosen to do yoga every day for a month, would I still have something new to say about it after a month? I honestly don't think so. And I wonder if my peers will have the same experience: less and less to say about the thing as it becomes integrated into their lives. So rather, I will talk about life as it happened during my head being covered. I often do not end my day feeling very positive but today, I have managed to have and hold onto some extremely positive experiences. Today... No one talked to me at work. This makes for great concentration. My son met up with me and presented me with a chicken sandwich. People in my first class interacted with me and complimented me. - I'm usually left to my own devices as one of the Quiet People. The first class of the day was great: but... it always is. (Still wor...

 Today, I am not leaving the house. Or at least, that's the idea. Dinner is already cooking. The house is tidy-ish. Tidy enough. My focus is on resting for the coming week and finishing out some assignments. Therefore, at least until my brother's friends come for DnD, I am not covering my hair. And I'm still thinking how I feel about covering my hair around them. - I'm still thinking about when this exploration ends next week, whether I will choose to continue covering my hair or if I want to leave it as an option. Because as previously discussed: it is a choice. And I don't really think it's about G-d at this point but more of a cultural choice. We have centuries of argument (Talmud) about how things should be done and why but very little that feels... direct from G-d... to me. I think there are communities in which I should and that it matters and I think if I want to feel particularly connected to my tribe, it's a good way to process that. But do I think ...

 It sounds overly dramatic, the title for today. But also fitting. Today, we went birthday shopping. (Isabel's was the 4th and mine is the 19th.) I selected a dress, cotton, patchwork, hooded, bell-sleeved, that feels like one of the most me-like dresses I've bought in a long time. I asked Izzy if she would be seen with me in it and she shied away from the question. The rest of the family seemed... a little hesitant as well. I almost put it back. But I didn't. And when I got home, I put it on. Just in time for my grocery order to be delivered. And as I was standing there in this lovely, light, flowy thing, cutting up and storing my produce, grinding my eggshells for the garden, frosting a cake I had made, prepping dinner for that night... I felt alive. I felt like myself in a way I infrequently do. And I made a note: this. I need more of this. Truckloads more. I'm tired of feeling in limbo. I'm tired of living to meet the expectations of others. I'm tired of hat...