Day Four, In Which I Am "Alternative"

 The first thing I want to say about Day Four of Covering My Hair is that it felt good today. Physically good, a little like putting on your favorite sweater, and that was genuinely unanticipated.

Something else unanticipated is how exploratory this project actually feels. What is the physical reality of it? The emotional? The cultural? The spiritual? I think I'd like to come back to those questions toward the end of this 30-day journal and try to identify some themes within those ideas. Because it isn't just one of those but all of them each time I cover.

Today, I met a friend for lunch. I hadn't seen her socially in about 18 months, and I know this because I'd never met her youngest child before. She is definitely "alt," but I was surprised that she identified me as having become so. It's true that I was wearing all black, but it was more of the Chassidish look of leggings with a black skirt and running shoes, which were a different kind of all-black. Then I realized that living where I live, maybe being outwardly and openly Jewish, is an alternative lifestyle. If I'm being realistic, maybe being honestly spiritual (not the kind of thing where you say you're spiritual because identifying or not identifying with a particular religion makes you feel a little weird) is an alternative lifestyle these days.

I find myself questioning how I feel about that. As a much younger person, I did identify with a few traditionally alternative lifestyles, and I think I enjoyed the shock value of a lot of what I did. Looking at spirituality, at Judaism, as a possible alternative lifestyle feels like the opposite of shock value... I don't want or care if anyone notices me, what I'm doing, how I look, how I'm living. This feels more like something I'm doing for me. 

In any event, this was a new place with new people for me to be the "new me." 

I stated a week or two ago that I had spent two decades being Mum, "just" silly Mummy, and now that my children are adults... I am seeking who exactly I am now. The conversation was in reference to the classes I'm choosing to take: I'm trying to figure out what I like, what I enjoy, and which things to incorporate into this Discovering Myself.

My Jewishness has been linked in very real ways to my Motherhood, but now I am identifying with my Jewishness in ways that have nothing to do with my role as a mother. My connection to Spirit is shifting just like everything else, and I feel like exploring this thing... covering my hair... is a step into that pool. Where being a Jewish woman has nothing to do with the not-so-small people in my life.

Tomorrow is Sunday, and I do not intend to leave the house. Maybe I will take the opportunity to play with options outside of my beret. 



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