Day Ten, In Which I Am Jewish in Jewish Spaces

 As you may recall, I promised to go to shul last night, and I did. 

It was a reform synagogue and hair covering for women is not widely practiced in that community. I found myself thinking about that a lot during the day. Did I want to cover my hair, or would it feel somehow safer to assimilate and not draw attention to myself?

That had been my conversation about all spaces a week and a half ago, but I realized a couple of days ago that I stepped outside without covering, and it immediately felt... strange. Almost unsafe as sensory goes? Is my covering becoming a source of comfort?

I met my friend out front, and he didn't comment on my New Look. - But I know that he is more strictly observant than most of the people in the building we were approaching, so maybe it seemed normal to him for a married woman to choose to cover her hair.

We went inside and I was aware of myself in a way that I had not anticipated as I watched these women walk around with their hair flowing freely about them. - If I felt odd, I reminded myself that they probably just thought I hadn't taken off my hat from the outside where it was cold. But as I took a siddur and walked inside to sit down, I became extremely aware of the fact that I was the only one covering my hair.

I saw a few women who wore kippot, and I almost wanted to scoff, which is a new reaction. Kippot are for men. Tallit are for men. Tzitzit are for men. We are not men, nor should we want to be men: we are holy and have a necessary role as women. As I settled into my seat and trained my eyes on the ark behind the bima, I thought... I am doing the right thing. This is bringing me closer to G-d, and it will bring blessings to my family.

A side note: this is the first shul I ever went to as a young person. It was where my kids were raised and it was where I met the friend who was sitting beside me. (Who also had not been there in a handful of years.) I recall feeling fulfilled by my experiences in that place. I remember it feeling like home; a safe place I could go and be with myself, my people, and Hashem. But as we sat through this service in which they had tried to update the music to be more contemporary, in which it no longer felt inclusive but more like a poorly planned off-Broadway show, I felt the weight of the cover on my head, and I thought... This is not where I belong anymore. 

It had been a good place to begin but even before this experiment with covering began, I have to acknowledge that I had grown in my observancy far past what this shul offered me. It felt like Judaism-Lite, if you will. 

I'm setting the goal for myself to spend next Saturday morning in the Conservative shul that I have become more accustomed to. In the meantime, I will spend the next days contemplating more deeply what the Connectivity leant by hair covering feels like to me.



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