Day Twenty-Three, In Which I Begin To Feel Lighter

 Thursdays are an easier day for me because there is only work, no class. As spoken about previously, I crave a sense of freedom, and leaving campus at noon lends itself to that. Knowing that when I step out of the building, rain or shine, I am homeward-bound is incredible. - Especially because this semester, Thursdays are the only day in which I am entirely alone at home for a few hours.

My shoes are off before I've left the parking lot. My music is up. My windows are probably down, regardless of the weather. Lately, I have missed the feeling of the wind in my hair but the feeling of it being contained also acts to ground me as I drive. I am a Jewish woman and that thought can be heavy on my shoulders from time to time. Do I want to be contained? Should I need to be contained? Isn't that what I've allowed to happen to myself for the last decade and a half? Containment of my larger, authentic self for the sake of someone else?

Does it matter if that someone else is G-d? Does G-d care if I cover my hair or is this simply an accepted ancient custom of my people? But I often wonder about ideas of propriety when it comes to G-d. Why should I need to be proper when it comes to Them That Created Me? But even as a child, some of my ideas about G-d and religion were far too Pagan for the comfort of my family and teachers.

When I think of authenticity and G-d I think of gardens, barefoot, naked even. I think about long wild hair and communing with the creatures in the world, mud to my knees and smelling like the sun and the rain. I think about food that looks and tastes like Real Food. I think about feeling whole and at peace in a way that humanity seems to steal from me. I think about naps in the sun and knowing at a cellular level that I am healthy.

When I think about what I want from Judaism, I want its tribal roots. I want the beauty of its language, the sincerity of its prayers. But I do not want pews; I want the ground. I do not want a piano (though I love to play); I want drumming. I want the earth to shake with the heartbeat that is Them. I don't want my feet bound in leather shoes but bare on the ground. I don't want to worry about my knees, elbows, collarbones, or head being covered; I want to flow freely in loose cotton dresses.

Luckily, none of this is about a destination. It's all a journey and as long as I keep walking, all is good.