Day Seventeen, In Which the Weekend Begins

 I found myself shopping for new/different hair covers and then I found myself thinking...

Is this me? Is this who I am? Do I want to continue doing this past the thirty days?

Then I considered a previous conversation I had with myself on this blog about whether it had to be all or nothing. Do I feel the need to cover every day? Are there places or times in which I feel like covering feels good or safe or right versus others where I might take into greater consideration a feeling of assimilation? Or a different kind of freedom?

Would it feel stifling to be in a garden somewhere without my hair in the sun and the wind? Covering is meant to make me feel closer to the Divine but is there not a sense of communing with the Divine when the wind and sun are enveloping you? 

I think I've always had a certain Pagan air to my relationship to G-d though, from earliest childhood. What are the ideas of men and what are the ways I feel naturally connected to Hashem?

I've held off on buying any more covers for the time being. I do want to begin to cover when I go to shul, though it is not a common practice in the Reform or even Conservative shuls. - But do I think it's needed all the time? I'm not sure. Is this the best way to honor G-d or even myself? I'm not sure. Is it true to myself? Not... sure. Not at all. 

I do want to find ways to bring Connectivity into my life but I feel like that might look more like spending time working on my garden or integrating natural fibers into my wardrobe or learning to make home remedies. G-d is not necessarily in the trappings of man but is in every single thing Elohim has created. What is better? Synthetic fibers swaddling my head or dirt under my bare feet? 

Forever looking for the right balance and it seems like the only way I ever find the real parts of who I am are by trying on all the hats. On one hand, I envy people who seem to just know who they are and what they want but on the other, I have to admit... Every day is an adventure.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day One, In Which We Begin with a Beret

Image
My beret came yesterday, and while I was excited, I must admit to feeling rather... out of sorts with the idea of covering this morning. I told myself that it was a hat, that no one would notice, and I feel like that was a correct assumption: that no one would have noticed if I had not spoken openly about why it was on my head. But I suppose it's no different than choosing to wear my star of David, posting mezuzim on my doors, carrying a pocket siddur, or saying Baruch Hashem. I'm Jewish, and if anyone questions anything I do Jewishly, I have always freely and proudly explained myself to them.  A conversation with Becca, the HR lady at work, ended up with her showing me pictures of her (other) Jewish friend, who also chooses to cover in various ways. She said the beret looked pretty. A conversation with Brandy, a classmate of mine, brought the opportunity to share aspects of my culture with someone who had perhaps known very little of our ways.  I don't think I was really p...
Read more

Day Eighteen, In Which Nothing Goes To Plan

Image
 Today, we were supposed to see friends. It didn't work out and I settled myself into a day at home.  It should be easier than it is. I love being at home and doing home-things. But I'm also entirely contrary so any day of the week that I'm meant to be at school or work, I resent it and I want to stay home... And the days that I'm allowed to stay at home, I end up galivanting all over the countryside on weird adventures. I need my at home time. I need to feel in charge of my life and my schedule. It doesn't matter how much I love my job or my classes, being told when I need to do something or where just rubs me wrong. But today... was an at home day. I watered all of my plants and moved some from their cups of water into the soil, covering up their newly formed roots. I fed the fish. I did laundry and made the grocery order. I prepped fruits and veggies and fed the scraps to the hens. I played ball with my dogs. And because I was at home, amongst my own people, I di...
Read more

Day Fourteen, In Which We Acknowledge Time

Image
Two weeks of covering my hair.- Woohoo! I wanted to take a moment to compare the act of covering my hair to the act of meditation. Both are done thoughtfully. Both require a certain amount of awareness for a certain amount of time. (Similar to ceasing to pay attention to your breath when the moment is through, I cease to pay attention to my hair being covered.) And both pop up in your mind throughout the day. - How it went, the feeling of it, the thoughts you chose to focus on or let go of. The feeling of Connectivity both with yourself and What Is. Each time I enter a new space or experience with my hair covered, I become aware of myself once more. Today, we had good weather, and I opted to take my dog for a walk in the neighborhood. Long skirt, hair covered, Star of David flashing in the sunlight, psychotic golden retriever (mostly) at my side.  I passed two women. Normally, they nod to me when I drive past them. - I only walk when the weather is warm. They crossed to the other s...
Read more