Day Nineteen, In Which I Come Face to Face With Choosing Invisibility

Today I had to bring clothes for my child who is entering residential psychiatric care. - I did their laundry, packed their bag, and had a mostly uneventful trip to Midtown Atlanta.

But when I was getting dressed this morning, I felt overwhelming self-conscious of myself. I always dress a certain way for these kinds of meetings and that way does not include cool prints or anything remotely religious outside of my Magen David necklace. 

Did I dare show up in a long skirt, comfy shoes, and my hair covered? What would that do to how these people responded to me? And how would their opinion of me affect my child's experiences at the facility? 

I laid in bed for over an hour, mentally going over my clothing options, before finally settling on a navy (above the knee) skirt, mauve tshirt, and feminine cotton button down to be worn open. - Oh, and my Sperries. - No hair cover. Light, fresh makeup. The Preppy Mom look that has been my staple for these kinds of things for years now. Respectable. Educated. 

I got in the car where my husband was and he asked me, "Just what are you doing?"

I explained all of this to him and he called me a sell-out. No matter how I argued in my own defense, he wouldn't hear it. Where is the long skirt? The hemp sandals since it's so warm out? - And why isn't my hair covered?

But I couldn't bring myself to change it. Religious people are seen as uneducated, inept even. If I were identified as being Jewish, that might make it harder for my child, should they encounter antisemitism in this environment. 

But I've thought about it all day. That I'm a sell-out. That I chose not to be my authentic self because someone else might not like it and that's weak. That said, I often change myself to meet others' expectations. Why do I do that? Surely by this age, I should feel like I can and should be authentic always, with no apologies given.

Tomorrow, it will be back to my new regular. I still don't know if I will continue covering past this exploration but today's lesson seems to be about authenticity.

I am perfect exactly as I am. G-d took a look at this place and thought, "You know what it needs? Her."