Day Thirteen, In Which I Hit The Wall

 You may notice that I am, at this point, playing catch up with my posting fairly regularly. 

This is because I may or may not be slowly burning out. There is a lot happening in my life right now and not all of it was invited in.

Yesterday's experience in relationship to my chosen contemplative activity (hair covering)...

Just wasn't. 



When I try to think of moments from yesterday that related to the act of... I've got nothing. I put it on. I kept it on. If anyone noticed initially, I think it's been accepted as part of my body now.

But I guess that ties into this being a mind-body experience. My hair cover has become an understood part of how I present to the world, physically.

Has it changed how they viewed me spiritually? I'm not sure. A few people who I didn't know (or know well) are now aware of me as a Jew in their space. 

Has it changed how I view myself spiritually? I... I think so. It feels like a step beyond wearing my Star of David. It feels like a step beyond (generally) only wearing skirts or dresses, trying to be tzniut as it occurs within my own space.

It makes me, as I may have stated before, more aware of myself as the Other. And an Other than has, historically, been pretty poorly treated in the context of its Otherness.

But I am also still being included in The Group (Melson, as it were.) whilst being Other. Maybe we're all Other to some degree, and maybe only we can see it. 

"You're unique. Just like everybody else."

Except "unique" sounds positive. It sounds like you'd be okay with it. I could be okay with weird or strange or any number of similar adjectives. But Other...? It denotes not belonging, and it feels a little ugly to me.

Covering my hair, presenting this part of me, this thing that makes me Other, putting it on display... That's what this has been. It's taking a part of myself, one that I might struggle to love from time to time, and putting it on display.

And while I know that out in the world, maybe even just outside of our little building, my Otherness could get me hurt or even killed. But in our micro-community? My Otherness doesn't seem to make me Other... Just another Other in a group of Others who are striving to make our corner of the world a safe and okay place for us to be.


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