Day Twelve, In Which I Become Aware

 The premise of hair covering, at least in part, is modesty. Tzniut. And while I want to say that there are hard and fast rules when it comes to all of this... There really are not.

Do you cover it all?
Do you use a scarf, a turban, a wig?
Who can see your hair?

Do you wear long sleeves all the time?
Do you make sure every dress comes past the knee?
Do you wear thick tights regardless of the weather?
Are pants ever okay?

How modest are you and does it extend to all people and parts of your life?

I was once told that women are like the Torah, covered to protect us and keep us safe and clean. The idea has stayed with me but I think it has taken on its own life at this point.

When do I feel as though I need to be covered? When do I feel as though I need to be kept clean? Because obviously, we uncover the Torah in safe places. What and who are my safe places?

Home, my family, close friends. When I come in the door, I kick off my shoes, strip off additional layers, put my beret on the knob at the end of the stairs. I wander around the house barefoot and free with little regard even though my boys are now men because home and family should be safe. Is this what other women do? No idea. But it's what I do.

Last night, my brother had guests over. Young men to play DND. Normally, I am very aware of them as strangers in the home and last night was no different. I came downstairs to get a cup of tea or something and realized at the bottom of the stairs that I was in my pajamas, and I grabbed one of my boys' jackets off the hook to go into the kitchen where they were playing. It covered me like a blanket, sleeves draping over my fingers and hem falling to my knees.

When I came back upstairs, I commented to my husband about how I was feeling. These young men were not my young men and did not feel like a safe, protected, or clean space for me. This is becoming a recurring theme in my life: feeling a need for more division between myself and men.- An acceptance of the role that has been laid out for me that I might previously have fought against.

But then he commented that he was surprised I had not covered my hair on my way down and I realized... he was right. I had made sure to cover when we went to dinner last night, but when I walked into that room with those young men, I had forgotten.

Now I find myself wondering how he is being affected by this new level of observance. After all, he is, as my husband, firmly tied into the history of hair covering. Did he feel curious or disrespected? While he is not Jewish, he is invested in my life as a Jewish woman. - Even pushing me to do and be better in that respect when I begin to fall away from some of our traditions.

Covering my hair isn't just about G-d being over or with me. It isn't just a spiritual activation switch. It's a part of zniut. However, I choose to embrace that concept, and that is about being and feeling clean, happy, and protected. - Another side of this contemplative act because I can't quite say it's separate altogether. Protecting and keeping clean my body affects how I think, feel, and relate to the world and to myself in the world. It improves my relationship to myself.